made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
