Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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