well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
