Your face is a jimmy john
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
