Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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