he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
