The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
