I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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