You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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