Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
