I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
