I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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