im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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