The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
