I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Duck Duck Cougar?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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