if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
