dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
