You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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