Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
