All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
