just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
