Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
