He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Drunk is a universal language darling
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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