An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
