You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
