HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
