So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
