I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
