I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
