it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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