We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
