dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
