Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
