I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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