remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
When did we convert life to cartoon?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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