i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
How external is "for external use only"?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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