that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
