just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
