Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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