I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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