my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
