A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
