I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
