ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
