the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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