Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
So. Much. Porn.
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