you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The Olympian is in my bed
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
