u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
