Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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