In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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