i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
